Angry Mom, Happy Home: 4 Proven Techniques To Manage Your Anger In A Healthy Way

Being a mom is tough.  It’s natural for us to feel overwhelmed and frustrated some days. Dealing with temper tantrums, sick kids, runaway dogs, burned dinners, missed meetings, and late school projects causes the pressure of family life’s never-ending tasks, needs, and wants to build over time. It is no wonder that all moms get angry sometimes.

But good moms don’t get angry, right? Or is that just what we have been taught to believe? So we stuff all those frustrations down until, one day, we snap over something minor, like dirty clothes on the floor. We have believed the myth that good moms don’t get angry and that anger is a “bad” emotion. 

Anger can often rear its ugly head, leaving moms feeling overwhelmed, guilty, and unsure of how to create a harmonious home environment. But what if I told you that anger can catalyze positive changes? It is possible to be an angry mom and still have a happy home. Let’s find out how!

The Mindset Shift

As we dive into the truth about anger, we will debunk the myth that good moms don’t get angry. The guilt and shame we feel over our anger prevent us from learning how to manage it.

The American Psychological Association explains, “Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.” 

The reality is that being mad isn’t bad. Anger is a natural and healthy emotion God gave us so that we can protect ourselves and respond to injustice. The truth is that good moms do get angry, and feeling angry isn’t bad. My friend Renee, a licensed clinical social worker, taught me that emotions are information that tells us something. Our anger is an excellent indicator of our mental health. 

Processing Our Anger

Anger is an emotion that requires self-reflection to understand fully. Monica Vermani, a clinical psychologist, explains, “Anger is widely recognized by mental health professionals as a secondary — what I refer to as a “blanket” — emotion.” 

As moms, we must find out what our anger is covering up. Processing our anger can lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves. Here are some self-reflection questions I ask myself after I have felt angry:

• What was going on around me?
• What were my unmet expectations?
• How did I feel?
• What was my automatic thought or the story I told myself?
• How did my anger get resolved?

Using these self-reflective questions is a positive step to discovering the root of your anger. We can come to realize that our anger is covering up needs that have gone unmet, unrealistic expectations, or a misunderstanding of the situation. 

How To Manage Anger In A Healthy Way

We have now established that anger isn’t bad and good moms get angry. Let’s dive in on how to manage anger in a healthy way.

Practice Self Regulation 

Whether dealing with defiant toddlers or moody teenagers, moms need healthy ways to manage emotions gracefully and with composure. Self-­regulation is your ability to manage your thoughts, feelings, and actions. To prevent angry outbursts, we can take some time to pause to think before we act. Andrea Bell, a licensed therapist, explains, “Someone who has good emotional self-regulation has the ability to keep their emotions in check. They can resist impulsive behaviors that might worsen their situation, and they can cheer themselves up when they’re feeling down.” 

When my anger would flare up, I would slowly, out loud, count to ten to calm myself down. When I started counting and breathing deeply on each count, I noticed my kids realized “Mom is angry” and stopped whatever nonsense they were doing. 

Pausing gives you the mental space to calm down and prevent yourself from yelling at your kids. Self-regulation stops self-destruction. You can be an angry mom and still have a calm home. Counting to ten was the self-regulation technique I used, but here are some other methods that you might like:

• Deep breathing: Taking slow, deep breaths is calming and reduces the intensity of emotions.
• Removing yourself: It’s okay to separate yourself from your child when they are throwing a tantrum. This way, your emotions don’t escalate; instead, you can go to another room to calm yourself down.
• Praying: Reading scriptures that give you perspective or ways to deal with your anger. Praying through emotions can help moms become more aware of their feelings and respond to them non-reactively.
• Journaling: Writing down your emotions will give you an outlet and, at the same time, help you identify the underlying issue.

Your ability to self-­regulate your emotions can provide the foundation for your kids to learn this necessary skill for themselves.

Identify Your Triggers

We can understand how to manage our anger by identifying our triggers. The self-reflection questions I shared earlier are a great tool to identify the circumstances that cause anger to read its ugly head. When you know what triggers your anger, you can better control your angry mom moments. Below are some everyday situations that cause moms to get angry:

• Taking things personally: It can be challenging for moms not to view their kids’ disobedience as an indication that they have failed as a parent. Kids don’t listen or misbehave because of immaturity. Your kids are going to make mistakes. They will be impulsive and say things they shouldn’t because they’re kids, not because you are a terrible mom.

• Overreacting to small things: By not sweating the small stuff, we can focus on what we value and feel grateful for everything we have. Instead of getting angry about the toys all over the living floor, notice that there is laughter and joy. It’s the gift of perspective. Rather than stress about the mess, kiss your kids and be grateful for a good day.

• Having high expectations: Moms should set expectations based on their kids’ age and abilities. Young children don’t know how to control their emotions and will inevitably have tantrums and meltdowns. It’s easy to forget that their behavior is normal for their age. Just as we need to develop tools to manage our anger, we should use these moments to help our children learn the necessary skills to regulate theirs.

• Running on empty: Moms take care of everyone but rarely take time to relax or recharge. We must remember to schedule time for ourselves amid all the duties and responsibilities of motherhood. An overtired and stressed mom lacks the emotional and mental capacity to handle her kids’ behavior. 

Being an angry mom is not a permanent situation, rather, a sign that we need to recharge. Read my article Self-Care is Never Selfish: How To Lose The Guilt Of Self-Care to learn how important self-care is to your well-being. 

Proactively Reduce Your Triggers

Self-­reflection helps us to understand our triggers and to create an environment that reduces them. Sometimes, a solution can be simple. Small changes can help us proactively reduce our triggers. Here are some small changes you can make:

• Tired of the morning traffic when driving the kids to school? Leave the house 15 minutes early.
• Are you tired of being tired? Go to bed earlier.
• Overwhelmed by household chores? Have your kids help you out with age-appropriate tasks.
• Losing your mind because your kids won’t sort the toys into the right buckets? Give them fewer buckets and adopt the mindset, “Put away is still okay!”
• Are hangry kids ruining your afterschool drive? Pack snacks in the van for them to eat on the way home.
• Are you sick and tired of unruly teenagers stealing your phone charger? Hide it in your panty drawer; they won’t look in there!

Reducing your triggers is a great way to minimize stress and to keep the angry mom at a minimum.

Read my article on Useful Time Management Tips for Moms On How To Balance Life and Work to learn how to find the balance you need to thrive in both areas.

Talk to Someone

Surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive individuals can provide a sense of validation and encouragement. Reach out to friends, family, or other moms experiencing similar challenges. You’ll discover we all live parallel lives behind closed doors. No matter how perfect we may look on social media, no one’s kids are that cute and well-­behaved.

Talking with your friends and family is great, but there are benefits to talking to a professional. Seeking support and professional help when needed can provide additional guidance and resources for navigating this journey. I can’t say enough about how beneficial therapy has been for me personally and as a parent. It’s been one of the best things I have done for my children. Investing in therapy is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves and our families.

In addition to professional help, support groups offer a safe space to share experiences. Books, online courses, and workshops can provide valuable insights and techniques for anger management. 

Putting It All Together

Being an angry mom is not permanent, and it’s important to remember that growth and transformation are possible. Embrace your emotions as a mom and channel them constructively. By understanding the root causes of anger, processing our anger, self-regulation, being proactive about our triggers, and talking to someone, we can create a more peaceful home for our children.

Remember, it takes time and patience to navigate this journey. Give yourself grace and celebrate small victories along the way. With dedication and support, you can transform anger into compassion, fostering a nurturing environment for yourself and your children.

Your Action Step

Maybe managing anger isn’t your superpower, but you FOR SURE have one! Take this 2-minute free quiz to find out your secret superpower.