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Hey, hey! I’m a huge fan of women supporting other women, so I want to encourage you to connect with other women more intentionally than before. There’s a fine line between esteem and envy, and it’s important that we address it.
Have you ever said:
Now think about this. Have you ever said:
Knowing you, you may have already guessed where we’re going. The first set of compliments reflects esteem or admiration, but the second set indicates that envy lies below the surface. You see, envy turns the attention back to you, and it is noticeable in conversation.
Admiration causes you to hold others in esteem, especially when you believe their influence is greater than your own. It says, “Because they can do it, I can do it, too,” and it’s based on appreciation. Admiration leads you to seek partnership opportunities, even when it’s simply doing your part to continue the work of those whom you admire. It leads you to see connections.
Unfortunately, esteem can quickly turn to envy when you begin to compare yourself with those you’re looking to as role models. Unlike esteem, envy has the potential to paralyze you, and it is painful. Envy will cause you to play a losing game because it’s a game that’s played in isolation. And envy, in turn, does just that: isolates us.
I could go on and on about envy, but I will simply finish by saying that envy leads you to covet what others have, like attributes, accomplishments, and unfair advantages (we assume they have). It arises when we question their ability, and it’s based on a scarcity mentality. Envy is irrational and can do more to endanger your influence than you might realize.
Let’s be clear, there are studies that show envy can sometimes motivate you to outperform others more than admiration can. But, do you really want to be motivated by envy in the long run? It’s not a healthy motivator and will do more damage than good to both you and those around you in the long term.
Since you’re reading this article, I imagine you want to be someone who cheers on other women. I recommend you practice at least one of the following suggestions to ensure your motives arise from a helpful and healthy place.
An abundance mindset will remind you that there are more than enough people for all of us to impact. There’s no one size fits all solution that everyone needs or wants, and there is absolutely room for you in the world.
When you cultivate an abundance mindset, you’ll find the freedom to move forward when you recognize that your experience and expertise will further enrich the conversation that’s already circulating.
To cultivate an abundance mindset, you’ll need to move beyond victimhood, practice self-care, and avoid self-sabotaging behaviors by taking control of your schedule. This article will help you get off the hamster wheel of self-sabotage.
The reticular activating system in the brain helps people identify what’s important. The more you focus on negative opinions, the more you think negative thoughts. Thankfully, the reverse is true as well. When you focus on positive thoughts, more arise. Give generously, make gratitude a practice, and choose to live loved from fierce faith.
Oftentimes, a scarcity mindset will begin to surface when you encounter rejection, but I address how to get over that fear of rejection in my book Fierce Faith. When you stop overgeneralizing your view of the world from a place of pain, you’ll find the freedom to focus on the good.
People-pleasing is a losing game. The desire is insatiable and always wants more. When we choose approval-seeking behaviors instead of those authentic to our true desires, we start resenting others for their autonomy and independence.
People-pleasing causes you to act inauthentically and feel as if you’re betraying yourself by hiding behind a false image. It leads to resentment and even bitterness as those who hide behind people-pleasing behaviors envy others who are showing up authentically as themselves.
If you want to avoid approval-seeking behaviors, you’re going to have to take time to get in touch with your inner voice and the desires that you have. Spend time identifying the root of the issue with a therapist, if need be, and learn how to choose yourself. You’ll be surprised how many more people you inspire when you show up more authentically as yourself.
Solitude may be uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re inclined to scroll on social media to see what you’re missing out on. However, it will be worth it. Solitude will help you get back in touch with your dreams, desires, and goals. This time will remind you of your interests, and it will help you begin working on what’s important to you.
Confused about what to do during that time? Celebrate yourself. Many people-pleasing tendencies result from an addiction to receiving acknowledgment from others. When you choose to reward yourself, you’ll rely less on others for approval.
When you rely less on others for approval, you’ll be free to make decisions that benefit your family and your future. You’ll lead from a place of quiet security and a knowledge of what it is that you feel positioned to do. When you do begin to move forward and spend time with others, you’ll be more aware of where and how you want to spend your time.
Pause before confirming your next appointment so that you can clear your head of your initial reaction. It will help you consult your schedule and your family’s schedules. The best thing about this? Although it will require you to stop working so hard to maintain your relationships outside of your family, those who are closest to you will benefit the most.
It’s easy to want to show up for others, but there’s a natural flow to relationships, and they should be reciprocal. Stop and practice saying no in your mirror, in your car, on your computer screen, and into the phone.
Saying yes may just be a bad habit that you learned. Distancing yourself from the emotion you feel when you say no by practicing it more often will help you to feel more confident. As a result, you’ll be less apt to apologize for the denial you’ve given as well. If you’re going to lead a business, you have to learn to be unapologetic about your goals.
Taking ownership of your goals will lead you to be more accountable to them. Rather than allowing others to set your goals and schedule your time, you’ll now be able to identify areas that may be draining your time and energy. You’ll also be able to address the mentality that’s been holding you back from moving forward and find a coach who can help you continue to make progress.
Lifelong learners enjoy life more. Rather than take the final product or performance as seriously, lifelong learners commit to the process. Make up your mind to learn from your experiences as well as those peers who you’ve been tempted to envy.
Age and experience often impede people’s interest in engaging as lifelong learners. However, once you develop a positive attitude about the new skills you’ll enjoy once you learn, you’ll find it’s much easier to acknowledge the opportunity for growth. In the process, you’ll also learn new things about yourself.
it’s even a possibility that you’ll get in touch with former interests and areas of enjoyment you’d long forgotten about.
Look for an accountability partner or a mastermind group that can support your growth, as well. When you begin to feel as if learning is a natural part of goal setting, you’ll be more likely to find enjoyment in the new challenges before you.
Coaching will also help you prioritize your development. When you surround yourself with those who have been in your shoes before, you’ll refocus on what is possible for you. Coaching will help you recognize how far you’ve come and when you need to celebrate yourself, which is just as important as the strategy you’ll develop for your next steps.
You can only get the help you need when you choose honesty. As you consider your strengths and opportunities for growth, ask yourself how entitlement may have influenced your behaviors.
Could it have been that you simply haven’t worked as hard as you’ve seen others because you believe that you deserve to be treated differently? Actively seek out opportunities for growth, and challenge yourself with new goals.
As discussed in my article on imposter syndrome, it’s essential to put yourself in new situations that produce discomfort. When you do, you’ll explore new ways your community can help you. It’s time to stop settling and start embarking on new adventures that encourage you to become a lifelong learner.
I’m a fan of the Enneagram personality profile. The Enneagram is a good way for you to learn how you’re wired and begin to proactively address some of the areas that you may struggle with, according to research.
As a Seven, I get really excited about new opportunities. Knowing that, I make a conscious effort to calm myself down when Shiny Object Syndrome begins to distract me. If you’re aware of your Enneagram number, read this article on how you may be engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors according to your personality type.
I’m a fan of social media. I love its power to help connect us to others who are making incredible waves in this world to ensure it’s a better place. However, we all know that it can cause us to feel really competitive at times.
If you’re a business owner who can’t “afford” to stay off social for long, develop your content pillars. Your content pillars speak to 3–5 areas within your life and business that you can share consistent content around. Begin to bulk prep as many days or weeks as you can, and automate them through the scheduling feature Facebook and Instagram share.
Then begin to take off time from social media so that you can prioritize your real goals, like developing your website, creating a lead magnet, or spending time with family.
If you’re a woman who enjoys social media because of the inspiration you receive and the friends you get to connect with, begin to think about which accounts trigger you to feel envy and resentment. Consider muting them for a time or unfollowing them all together, but think carefully about what triggered you.
Think about what, among those accounts you dislike, is so attractive or enviable. I want you to think about the feeling you believe you’re missing out on and then begin to cultivate that in your own life. You may not get married or have a child tomorrow, but is there a way that you could practice presence among the family and friends you do have?
Taking time off from social is a great way to spend time cultivating the life you want to live in real time, and I hope you enjoy it.
I’d love to help you live a more confident, less worried life If you’re ready to put an end to your fear-based thinking and learn a simple trick to stop the anxiety spiral. Read the first chapter of my book Fierce Faith here and consider joining Called Creatives, the coaching group I lead with Lisa Whittle where you can access insider interviews, mastermind groups, and group coaching sessions with myself and Lisa.