Self-sabotage is the pattern of thought and behavior that people return to despite the feeling they have that those behaviors are preventing them from further growth. How do you stop self-sabotage based on your enneagram type?
When you’re engaged with self-sabotage, you can feel as if you’re in the middle of a sickening cycle that stands in the way of everything you’ve ever wanted.
I want you to know you can get over self-sabotage. In order to end it, though, you have to identify your patterns of behavior and how they relate to your personality. This article will help you identify opportunities for growth based on the Enneagram as you work to live out your values more effectively.
Self Sabotage can manifest as:
If you’re a Type One, you like to fix everything. Self-sabotage often shows up when you micromanage others and attempt to control everything.
You know those whom you’re delegating to hate the feeling of being micromanaged as much as you dislike micromanaging others, but you get caught up in it anyway.
You say you need more help, but are you willing to accept it? Instead of criticizing, checking in on the status, or recommitting yourself to the project, find a way to thank your friend or family member for how they helped.
Recognize that you have the opportunity to grow by developing trust in your family members and friends. As you begin to help them become more confident with their new task, they’ll begin to feel valued and become more appreciative.
Others won’t do everything the way you prefer, but that can be a good thing. They’ll enjoy the freedom to learn and grow in their own way.
And you can commit your precious time to more critical areas. Bonus: you’ll often find yourself pleasantly surprised when those to whom you’ve delegated introduce new concepts you’d not considered before.
Oh, my friend, your desire to help others is not synonymous with people-pleasing. If you want to become less dependent on other people’s opinions, you’re going to have to address the elephant in the room: FOMO.
The fear of missing out often motivates Twos return to those old, unhealthy, people-pleasing patterns because at the first sign of being left out, you put other people’s priorities above your own, yet again.
Visualize your goals and the number of people who will benefit from your vision. Think of a way to keep your why before you and remember that to accomplish it, your ability to delegate will require others to keep their commitments and fulfill their responsibilities. In that way, you will be helping others most of all.
Remember, people-pleasing will lead to stress, burnout, shallow relationships, and consistent feelings of frustration.
You won’t be helpful to anyone under those conditions. Get in touch with yourself and consult your schedule before making commitments.
Schedule your priorities and then consult your calendar before you actually make a commitment. No one needs to know it’s your personal writing time. All they need to know is you have a conflict. A simple, one-word answer of yes or no is more than sufficient.
Regardless of how many goals and resolutions you set to be more present, you continue to get consumed by your work. Type Threes may be achievers, but you still value family.
After all, it’s your family who will benefit most from your achievements if you are wise in how you accomplish them.
It’s time to make a plan to spend quality time with your family every day. It could be placing conversation starters around the dinner table so you have something other than work and school to talk about.
Or you may identify one game to play with your children after dinner or incorporate a new check-in during the nighttime routine.
Your family will begin to appreciate your accomplishments more when they don’t feel as if they’re always playing second fiddle. Invite your family to hold you accountable and offer feedback.
You may bristle at their advice which will undoubtedly feel like criticism at first, but it will support and strengthen your ability to stop sabotaging. They’ll even support you as you manage stress by helping you to:
Type Fours enjoy being individualistic but can often get caught up making comparisons to stand out from the crowd. Although emotions are helpful, you run the risk of acting disproportionately to the situation.
Your emotions are powerful teachers. Sadness can teach you more about what you believe to be important.
Frustration can help you recognize that you’re growing silent about something meaningful to you, and happiness can reveal that you’ve started focusing on the moment in front of you.
When your emotions run wild, they also push people away and sabotage relationship after relationship.
It’s time to practice self-regulation. Instead of allowing your emotions to dictate how you respond, begin to slow down and learn to identify what patterns are at play in the situation.
Process your feelings with a journal, a therapist, or both. Something as small as a quick brain dump will help you share what you’re feeling more successfully when the time’s right.
Lastly, identify a healthy outlet you enjoy that can help you regularly blow off steam and relieve your frustrations.
Kickboxing, horseback riding, or a midday walk can all help you show up more consistently. Exercise will help you remain present for some moments that may require more emotional energy.
As I shared in my article on how your Enneagram number influences your experience with imposter syndrome, your desire to demonstrate capability is intense.
Unfortunately, this desire leads to self-sabotage when you continue to use it to fuel your procrastination. When you realize that your vision has been fulfilled by someone else, you begin to cycle through old emotions again.
I’m here to tell you: do it anyway. Start the program. Launch the business. Write the book. Don’t throw away all that research.
It’s time to get out of your head and start trying new things. I want you to reflect on how much priority you’ve assigned to other people’s opinions when you prepare to do something new, which is often connected to perfectionism.
It’s true, high-performing individuals become conditioned to expect others’ approval, but I want you to remember that your value is not based upon their approval.
Set your priorities, and when opportunities come along that present no other obstacle (outside of your false belief that you don’t know enough), say yes.
Just say yes.
It will be scary. You may fail a few times, but you will fail fast at the least essential things so you can do the actual work well.
Have you ever missed out on opportunities because you were too loyal to one brand or person? Loyalty is an admirable trait, but please remember this is not middle school.
Everyone wants a Six on their team. You have a high sense of responsibility and you’re trustworthy, but the social rules are different for us as adults.
When you balance your loyal mindset with the freedom to try new things, create new friend groups, or join new associations, you only add value to the former ones you belonged to.
Widen your network. Your relationships, partnerships, and business ventures should enhance and enlarge the opportunities you have to serve others more effectively.
When people nurse a sense of loyalty that is left unreturned, they often run the risk of becoming resentful, which is an emotion that is connected to jealousy.
This resentment can sometimes fuel passive-aggressive behavior, and that will only further distance you from those with whom you’ve been working to maintain a healthy relationship.
Get ahead of self-sabotage and choose to nurture your desires and interests, as you open up about your ideas.
You never know who may be feeling similar to you within your circle. Consider inviting a friend to attend a new event outside of your network so that you can meet others together.
Begin to join different groups that will help you meet new people. You can even start with online communities until you become more comfortable, stretching beyond your sphere of influence in your city.
Shallow friendships and new endeavors have helped you widen your reach and expand your influence. However, they’re not helpful when you’re interested in growth and increasing your impact. You’ll need deeper relationships for that.
Enthusiasts get excited about new things and are constantly on the move. Sevens don’t have a hard time meeting new people or beginning a new venture.
Even still, you struggle to maintain deep relationships, especially when you use your enthusiasm to help you avoid difficult emotions.
New can be fun and exciting, but it can also prevent you from experiencing the natural growth found in the myriad of your emotions like disappointment, grief, and boredom.
Make a plan to nurture older friendships that may have been neglected in the excitement of new opportunities.
The next time you feel the urge to move on, begin to question why. Look beyond the surface of the next new thing and challenge yourself to lean into the discomfort.
Your relationships and work will benefit from it immensely.
Challengers are self-confident and take initiative quickly. You’re great to work with on a team project because you will make sure the work gets done. It’s for that very reason that team projects can feel exhausting for you.
You’ve been engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors if you have ever become frustrated that:
Have you ever considered that maybe you’re moving too fast? It’s time for you to get comfortable with silence.
If you want to benefit from genuine connections that lead to reciprocity and help you grow as a team member, you’re going to have to slow down.
Create space for others. Get ready to be uncomfortable as others slowly begin to speak up and take ownership of new parts of the relationship. It will be worth it.
Have you felt run over, manipulated, or abused lately? It could be that in your desire to keep the peace, you’ve given others the impression that you’re indifferent, understanding, or worse, in agreement with something that takes you aback.
It’s time for you to practice speaking up.
Speaking up will offer others the best of the knowledge and the wisdom you bring to the relationship. It will show another side they might not have previously considered, supporting those they may have overlooked.
There is a difference between keeping peace and making peace.
By doing the exact opposite of what you believe a peacemaker is, you could be spreading additional peace that you wouldn’t have achieved otherwise.
Fear is the one thing that connects you to every other personality type. Don’t let fear silence you any longer.
As one of my favorite authors Po Bronson once said, “The absence of fear is not courage. The absence of fear is just mental illness.”
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